October 6th, 2024, marked approximately 21,000 days until my 85th birthday.
A few months ago, I installed a minimal Countdown widget to track the number of days until then. The choice of my 85th birthday was mostly arbitrary. While the average life expectancy today is below 80, I liked 85 as a number, so I went with it.
The past 18 months have brought numerous tribulations, intensifying my awareness of life’s fragility and the limited time I have.
In the words of Tyler Durden, "self-improvement is masturbation." I place self-help books in a similar category and generally try to avoid them.
I am trying to read more philosophical texts, but Camus and Nietzsche are not exactly light reading! In the meantime, I do like this quote from "Four Thousand Weeks: Time Management for Mortals", which I reread recently.
The average human lifespan is absurdly, terrifyingly, insultingly short. But that isn’t a reason for unremitting despair, or for living in an anxiety-fueled panic about making the most of your limited time. It’s a cause for relief. You get to give up on something that was always impossible—the quest to become the optimized, infinitely capable, emotionally invincible, fully independent person you’re officially supposed to be. Then you get to roll up your sleeves and start work on what’s gloriously possible instead.
I have spent the majority of my life trapped in this futile cycle of optimization. Without the brilliance of a George Hotz or John Carmack, I often felt destined for mediocrity, haunted by the nagging feeling of "falling behind." Regrets, like shadows, follow me, reminding me of time wasted when I could have been becoming a titan. I needed to build a legacy — and I needed to do it yesterday.
What is this all for?
With approximately 21,000 days hopefully remaining, this neurosis is anything but pragmatic. Anecdotally speaking, I have not experienced a significant increase in my overall life satisfaction with an additional zero in my savings. I don't think that joining a startup or traveling abroad is going to fill the void.
So where does that leave me? Truthfully, I’m not sure, but for the first time, I’m learning to embrace the uncertainty. In the process, I’m starting to uncover what I truly want.
This isn’t about abandoning aspiration. I still love technology, and that excitement will never leave me. I’ll keep cultivating my skills, even if I don’t reach the heights of the greats.
Time is ticking, and I intend to savor it. I don’t yet know exactly how I’ll spend the days ahead, but for now, I’m building my principles and focusing on the moments that bring me joy. Every day is a gift, and I plan to live it as such.